ADVICE COLUMN
Here at Dear Steve we receive many questions every day from our visitors, many of them with questions and concerns just like yours. Since Dear Steve cannot personally answer every question, this page offers a selection of questions and answers we feel are important to a broad section of our visitors.

Question: Dear Steve, I've just told my only 13yr old son that I am making him move back in with me. He thought he could live with his dad permanently and only visit me twice a month. We only live 5 minutes apart. This has caused so much tension. His dad is a lazy slob and never does anything for him or buy him clothes, etc. What are my options? Please respond, I am running out of options as we have already been through useless counseling sessions for 6 months which seemed to make matters worse. Sincerely, A Mother Lost without her Son Answer: Dear Lost Mother, If the fact that his dad is a slob is your only reason for making your son move back with you, reconsider. At age 13 he is old enough to choose with which parent he wants to live. Regardless of your feelings about his dad, he is his father’s son and may need time with his dad to form his own opinions of him. The important thing is that your son is safe. If you make him move back with you, then he can always blame you for not allowing him the chance to get to know his dad. As long as you are there to blame, he will not have to hold his dad accountable. Don’t be their scapegoat. Rethink the prospect of allowing him to stay with his dad and let him know you will welcome him home anytime he changes his mind. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, How can I get back with my ex boyfriend? We had a lot of arguments and he said that we don’t need to be together, but I feel like he is the one for me. How can I get him to change his mind about us or at least give me another chance. Sincerely, Shenika Answer: Dear Shenika, You may feel like your ex is your Mr. Right, but he has a say in this too. If you argued often and he has already ended the relationship, perhaps this is for the best. If you still want another chance, be honest with him about your feelings and see what happens. If he is certain that he does not want to continue the relationship, accept that and move on. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. Sometimes, I feel we shouldn't be together and other times, I feel like I’m nothing without him. Over the three years I’ve completely isolated myself from my friends. I stopped going out and changed my whole life to be with him. Sometimes, I think we stay together because it’s a familiar routine. I don’t know if we really love each other or if we are just afraid to be alone. That’s where the confusion comes in. There are a lot of emotional things I need from a relationship that are just not there. I know he cares about me. When we talk about separating, he gets teary eyed and choked up. I know he loves me regardless of all the missing and wrong things in our relationship. If and when we do separate I know it will be harder for him than me. Sincerely, M. Answer: Dear M., You sound stuck and unsure what to do. Perhaps your boyfriend is not completely responsible for your unhappiness. You said you changed your whole life to be with him; well, change it back. Call your friends, go out with your friends, do the things that made you happy before you met your boyfriend. You are equally responsible for settling into a routine that has become mundane. Our primary relationship can never meet all of our needs and we should not expect it to. We should also never give up our individuality when we enter into a coupleship. Separation is not the only option. A couples counselor could help you find ways to increase the intimacy and learn to meet more of your emotional needs that are currently going unmet. Best wishes, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My pastor recently separated from his wife of 23 years. He does not support his family and has split the church. There are rumors that he stole money from the church and is having an affair with the church administrator. His wife has kept quiet about all of this. He even put her out of the church. Should she divorce this man? Sincerely, Concerned Member of the Congregation Answer: Dear Concerned Member, I can understand that these circumstances would be disturbing to you. We expect pastors to be role models for morality since we often turn to them for guidance. They are also human and subject to the same mistakes as everyone else. Since you cannot know for sure what is in his heart or the true nature of the problems in his marriage, I suggest reserving judgment until the facts are revealed. There may be no truth to the rumors and spreading them will only cause more pain for everyone involved. The congregation should support this couple without judgment as they make decisions about the future of their marriage. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I don’t consider myself to be a lesbian, but I probably am bisexual. I have been estranged from my parents for the last 8 years. They disowned me when I began dating another woman. She and I were together for long time and we split up this year. I’m not seeing anyone else and not looking for a relationship with a man or a woman. I often think about my parents and now I wonder if I should try to reconnect with them. My fear is that they will assume that I am now repenting for my “evil ways”. I don’t regret my relationship with my former girlfriend and I can’t promise that there will not be others. Should I even try to see them? I miss them, and though I am now single, I don’t want to give them any misconception that I am a changed woman. Sincerely, Disowned Answer: Dear Disowned, I understand your reasons for wanting to see your family and your concerns about how they may interpret your separation from your partner. Start slow. Reach out with a letter or phone call and avoid talking about your sexual orientation. Let them know that you miss them and want to maintain some means of contact with them. I suspect you will always disagree with them on the subject of sexuality and probably other subjects as well. If they would disown their daughter over the matter, they are likely not open to tolerance, much less acceptance. Keep the interactions brief and on benign topics like weather and food. A superficial relationship may be the most you can ever have with them. It may also be the safest. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, We are a Christian family and we have recently discovered that our daughter has been seeing a Muslim guy. She is 18 and he is 19. We are very concerned about the difference in religions. His family does not accept Christian girls for their son and we do not accept Muslim guys for our daughter, but they are getting emotionally involved. What can we do as parents to stop it before anyone gets hurt? My daughter thinks he is the most wonderful guy in the world. This is her first crush and she cannot see straight right now. What can we do or say as parents to let her know that this relationship will not work and that we will never approve of it? Sincerely, Concerned Parent Answer: Dear Parent, I hear your concern and I acknowledge that broad differences in religion can be problematic for couples, but listen closely. She is 18 years old and legally able to make her own decisions, however wrong you may consider them to be. Romantic attraction is a strong force to reckon with and rarely do teenagers take their parent’s advice when it comes to matters of love. Your attempts to separate them will likely drive them closer together. I doubt you can do anything to stop this relationship and I suspect feelings will get hurt. If you play the “We will never approve” card, it will likely be you that gets dumped. She is at a normal stage in her life where your opinion matters less to her than when she was a child. Here is my suggestion. Make your concerns known to your daughter and then back off. Give her the information she needs to consider and then give her the space to make her own decisions. Welcome her boyfriend into your home and get to know him as well as you can. You may discover that his religion is less of a factor than you first thought it would be. Put the religion aside and get to know him as an individual. This is the only way you can truly judge his capacity to love your daughter. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My husband I have been married for 2 ½ years and I love him very much. Initially it was great. I had always felt a deep sense of loneliness and our relationship seemed to resolve that. Three months into our marriage things changed. I was asking for sex everyday and he did not seem to want me. When I backed off, he only initiated sex about once every three days. I was invited to have sex with a couple I know who had been pursuing me. I did have sex with them even though I know it was wrong. I told my husband and he was very angry. I know he had a right to be mad at me. Soon after that, my husband joined the Marines. Things were good before he left, even though we never talked about my affair again. I was faithful to him during boot camp. Still, I was not sure he really loved me and had forgiven me. I contacted one of my ex boyfriends who suggested I leave my husband and come to be with him. I told my husband about this conversation and he was very angry and hurt. I couldn’t get my husband to say he would forgive me, so I slept with one of my friends. I felt so guilty and I told my husband about this too. He said he forgave me for my infidelity. Soon afterward he left for Iraq. My loneliness became worse after he left. I met another guy and a few weeks later we had sex. I just needed someone to hold me and be with me. It was like there was some void I was trying to fill. My husband rarely called from Iraq and my loneliness became more intense. I ended up sleeping with one of his friends, and a few days later I had sex with someone else from back home. They were there when I felt the loneliness and needed someone to be with. Now, I feel so far from God. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel. I haven’t been with anyone in 3 months and I don’t trust myself to go anywhere other than work. My husband recently asked me if I had been faithful while he was away. I didn’t want to lie so I told him about one of them, but not about the others. Now, my husband says he does not want to work out our marriage. I have asked him and God to forgive me, but my husband says we will discuss it when he gets home. I don’t want to give up on our marriage. I know God will see us through. It is all so hard. I know you must think I am awful, but I am trying to do better. I love my husband and I don’t want anyone else. Sincerely, A Marine’s Wife Answer: Dear Wife, I do not think you are awful. Your affairs are the result of the painful intense loneliness you feel. Your behavior is out of control and I suggest that you consult a therapist who is knowledgeable about sex and love addiction. Your symptoms are classic examples; the intense loneliness, the inability to control your desire for sex, and the conquest of multiple partners over short periods of time, followed by intense feelings of remorse and shame. Persons with sex and love addiction feel deep shame about their behavior. Their behavior is contrary to their values and they repeatedly repent and vow they will never do it again, but there is always another affair. Sex addicts literally are out of control of their behavior. I can’t predict what will happen when you husband returns from Iraq. Until then, I encourage you to seek out a 12-step program such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous. You can find meetings in your area listed on the internet or perhaps in your local paper. I also suggest you read the book Lonely All the Time, by Ralph Earle and Gregory Crowe. Sex and relationships will never fill the void that you are experiencing. A 12-step group of other women and men like yourself can offer the support you need at this time. Good luck to you and your husband, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have a family member that really gets on my nerves. She came here from the Caribbean Islands to seek a better life. She is a widow with a 10 year old girl. She teaches her child to be mean to others. This really disturbs me. Every time we are around her, she teases my son who is 8. She is 33. She mostly does this around other children or other people, not my parents or husband. She does this to hurt me and my son. She teaches her daughter to do be mean too. We have done favors for her. She forgets we helped her get a place to live and a job. She is very ungrateful, greedy, and likes to make me look dumb. She talks about my past in front of my 13 and 15 year old nieces. Now my 15 year old niece gets nasty with me. Why is she trying so hard to make people not like me? Do you think she is jealous of me? Why does she do things to hurt me? She is only nice to me when she needs me or my husband for something. I don't go to her house. I feel the vibes. How can I avoid her or should I confront her. It might get ugly. I can get really ugly. I don't think she wants to go there. Sincerely, Sick of it! Answer: Dear Sick of it! I suggest you try to talk with your relative about her behavior and how it makes you feel. I would approach her at a time when no one else is around to give her an audience to perform for. I also suggest you bring up the subject at a time when the two of you are not already in a dispute about something else. Who knows why she does the things she does. The point is that you want her to stop. Only confront her about her inappropriate treatment of you and your son. Avoid commenting on her parenting style or her character flaws as you perceive them. We want to engage her in resolution and not put her on the defense or give her more reason to show disrespect for you and your son. If you cannot appeal to her as one adult to another, then avoiding her may be the best option. Whatever happens, I encourage to not result to “getting ugly”. Steve

Question: Hi Steve, My boyfriend and I have been going out for a while now. Before that though we were close friends and always hooked up. That's when we decided to further our relationship. He's very sweet and he has a great personality. He's not that handsome, but that doesn't really bother me. I think he's a little more interested in me then I am him. We hang out all the time and I think it's getting to be a little too much. I mean you’re supposed to "always" want to be with the person you’re going out with, right? But for me that's not the case. When I see other guys I think about what it would be like to go out with them. I don't think this is a normal thing to have in a relationship, but I'm just worried that if my boyfriend and I do brake up then we won't even hang out anymore. What do you think I should do? Please help. Sincerely, Ashley Answer: Dear Ashley, It sounds like this relationship has gone as far as it can go. You obviously do not want to make him your permanent partner. He needs to know this. Going back to being friends will be difficult if he is as interested in you as you suspect. Tell him what you are thinking and feeling. He may be willing to return to a friendship with occasional sex or he may want to end things completely. You have to be willing to respect his feelings also. Best wishes, Steve

Question: Dear Steve: There is this problem with my Mom. She thinks that there are people in her brain that are using her and making her feel uncomfortable. She also screams to tell "these people in her mind" to leave her alone. Not only does she scream, but she swears constantly, and even throughout the night. She doesn't get along with my dad very well, because she thinks that he "put" these people in her brain, so she sleeps on the couch every night. She had mental help when I was in kindergarten (I am now in 8th grade), but she generally refuses to take her medicine. She refuses to get help now. It embarrasses me to bring friends to my house, or even to talk on the phone because I don't know if she is going to have a screaming fit. My dad, my older brother, and I have all tried to get her to get help, but she ignores it, and gets really mad and starts screaming and swearing at us. This is not my only problem. I cry a lot because of this, and also because I am very lonely. I have a few friends, but they aren't always there for me. Since I won’t allow them to come to my house, they think that I hate them, and they move on to their other friends. The only way I get to spend time with my few friends is by talking to them on the Internet, at school, or if I go to their house. They don't invite me anymore because I don't invite them to my house. I tend to emotionally eat, so, I am unfortunately about 20-30 pounds overweight. I’ve tried to stop eating when I am sad, and eating healthier and exercising, but nothing seems to work out for me. Can you please help me with my problems? Thank you, K.A.S. Answer: Dear K.A.S., As you already know, your mom is very ill. Living with someone with a mental illness, who refuses to get help or take their medicine, is a horrible existence to bare. It is unfair to you and the rest of your family, despite the fact that your mom cannot help that she has a mental illness. She will not get help, but you can. I suggest you tell your father that you want to see a counselor to help you deal with the stress you are experiencing at home. A counselor may also have some suggestions for ways to get your mom back to her doctor and back on her medication. In the meantime, keep hanging out with your friends and take advantage of opportunities to spend time with them face to face. Tell other trusting adults in your life, (grandparents, aunts, teachers) what you are dealing with and ask them to help you and your family. A situation like this sometimes takes the intervention of several caring individuals. Take care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I've asked my husband repeatedly to stop getting on the internet and looking at naked women. He knows it makes me uncomfortable because I feel that’s what he wants, a younger looking female with a nice body. He said he would stop, but the other day I came home from work unexpectedly and found him on the internet looking at naked women. How can I cope with something like this? This is our second marriage for both of us and we have only been married a year. Is this something I should expect from a male? Sincerely, Annette Answer: Dear Annette, Not all men look at porn. Many men, who would have never purchased porn magazines or movies, now look at it on the internet because it is free and readily accessible. For some, it is an occasional indulgence. For others, it can be an obsession that escalates to a serious psychological illness. In your situation, I suggest that you first deal with the issue of his lie that he would stop. Has he continued because he cannot stop or because he doesn’t care what you think? An honest answer to that question will determine what action to take next? If the two of you are unable to reach a resolution on your own, it would be worthwhile to consult a relationship counselor for help. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am a 51 yr old single woman who is in a relationship with a man I love a lot. However, I am in my sexual prime. He had his prostrate removed a few years ago and takes Viagra, but doesn't seem interested in having sex often. Is this from the surgery? Does he have the urge for sex anymore? Does the Viagra give him an urge for sex? I don't know if flirting and suggesting sex embarrasses him because of the above problems, so I wait for him to initiate it, which he doesn't do enough. Sincerely, Louise Answer: Dear Louise, First let me remind you that I am not a medical doctor, however, I have counseled many men who are dealing with various types of sexual dysfunction, including men who have had prostate surgery. Removal of the prostate does cause erectile dysfunction, which is probably why your friend is taking Viagra, but the prostate does not directly affect a man’s desire for sex. Desire for sex and the ability to maintain an erection are two different issues. Over time desire may decrease if there is an inability to perform. Your friend may be anxious that he cannot perform to your satisfaction, and therefore avoids opportunities for sex. If he is dependent on Viagra to have an erection, then some planning and preparation has to take place ahead of time. Once he takes the pill, there is a window of opportunity to reap its benefit. I encourage you to sit down with your friend and discuss this matter at a time when the two of you are not about to make love. Communication is the solution to this dilemma. Good luck! Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have a 2 year old son with a man who moved out of the country 3 weeks after our son was born. The father is now moving to England and wants to take our son for several months in the winter and summer. I personally don't think a young child should be separated from his home and family for that long of time. I am a single mother and have juggled part-time jobs so I am able to stay home with our son. Besides me missing him terribly, I have two daughters who would also be devastated. I agree that our son should spend time with his father, however, why should he have to be pulled away from his home and family to do so. I have let the father take him for about 10 days at a time 3-4 times a year, and then I would go and bring him back home. What is you opinion of the situation? Sincerely, Laura Answer: Dear Laura, I agree that a 2 year old child should not spend long periods of time separated from the people he knows to be his primary family. These early years of his life are the most important in terms of his ability to formulate trusting relationships with others. I recommend that you always accompany your son out of the country on his visits with his father and stay with him for the duration of the visit. It is also an option for your son’s father to visit him at your home. This would be less stressful for your son. Additionally, I suggest that you explore potential legal issues that could arise regarding custody once your son crosses international borders without your accompaniment. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am wondering how to approach my extremely rude neighbors. It has gotten to the point where my husband and I feel a lot of hostility toward them. We live in an upscale neighborhood. We both work and we have 3 children. When we moved into our neighborhood the house next door was being built. We met the husband and learned that his wife and 2 girls, who are the same age as ours, would be moving to the house in about 2 weeks. We were very happy knowing there would be children for our kids to play with. Anyway, I took over brownies when they finally arrived and never received a thank you. After 2 years as neighbors, the wife does not even look at us when we pass her at the school all of our children attend or when she sees us outside. They would not allow their daughters to come to our child's birthday party. Their rudeness is so offensive. I don't want to be their best friends, but at least treat us with respect and say "hello" or acknowledge our presence. I can only think of one incident that may have prompted this disregard for our feelings. One day, when the wife was out of town, we were having hamburgers on the grill and asked the husband if he wanted to eat with us. That same night my son was having a friend sleepover and his mom was there. Her husband was out of town, so we offered her dinner too. Our neighbor’s wife called during dinner and asked what her husband was doing. He told her that he was having dinner with us and a friend of ours. She said it was inappropriate and hung up without asking for an explanation. He was very embarrassed and apologized for his wife's behavior. Since that day, she has treated us like crap. Our children have noticed and questioned why she doesn't say hello or talk to us or even let her girls play with them. Please give us some advice as to how to handle this situation. Thank you, Disgruntled Neighbor Answer: Dear Neighbor, I recommend that you surrender your desire to have a friendly relationship with this neighbor. For whatever reason, she has chosen to ignore you and your family. This may be a blessing in disguise. There is nothing you have shared about your neighbor that suggests that a relationship with her would be desirable. Situations like this are most difficult on children. They can’t understand why someone would be intentionally rude to them without reason. I suspect your children will encounter many other rude and disrespectful individuals during their life. Here is an opportunity to model for them that one can still maintain a peaceful existence in the absence of affection. Don’t be antagonistic toward your neighbors. Continue to be polite and respectful. However, cease the efforts to build rapport. Accept them as the people who live next door, not necessarily the good neighbor. Sincerely, Steve

Question: HELLO DEAR STEVE. I HAVE A STRANGE SITUATION. I HAVE A 6 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WHO IS GREAT AND LOVES AND SMILES AT EVERYONE. JUST STARTING LAST MONTH, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW CAME TO VISIT. MY DAUGHTER LOOKED AT HER AND STARTED CRYING TERRIBLY. SO, WE FIGURED THAT SHE WAS TIRED.THEN, THE FOLLOWING WEEK, WE WENT TO MY MOTHER-IN-LAW’S HOUSE AND MY DAUGHTER DID THE SAME THING. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SAID HI TO HER AND MY DAUGHTER CRIED SO BAD AND DID NOT STOP FOR THE 2 HOURS THAT WE WERE THERE. THE NEXT 3 TIMES WE WENT THERE, THE SAME THING OCCURRED. AS SOON AS WE WALK IN THE HOUSE, SHE RECOGNIZES IT AND STARTS CRYING WITHOUT SEEING ANYONE.AT ONE POINT SHE USE TO LAUGH OUTLOUD AT MY MOYHER-IN-LAW. SHE KNOWS HER WELL. WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED? A WEEK BEFORE ALL THIS, MY MOM-IN-LAW BABYSAT FOR 1 HOUR AND SABRINA WAS FINE? CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.JUST SO YOU KNOW, SHE IS A VERY LAYED BACK BABY, ALWAYS HAPPY. PLEASE HELP. THANKS, MARIA Answer: Maria, I am inclined to believe that your daughter is responding to a stimulus other than her grandmother. Perhaps it is your mother-in-law’s perfume, the soap she uses, cat dander on her clothes, whatever. You daughter may be allergic to a chemical your mother-in-law uses and she senses that chemical when in her presence. Since she is only 6 months old, I don’t believe she is responding to her grandmother’s personality or a specific event involving her grandmother. Explore the possibilities I mentioned and let me know if you discover the culprit. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have met and fallen in love with a wonderful man. He is everything I could ever want in a partner. He is very kind and attentive. Everyday he tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. The problem is that he has a serious sexual addiction. He is addicted to internet porn and to chatting with women on line. I feel very betrayed by this and confused about to what to do. He has recently told me that he wants to receive help on this problem and wants me to support him in this. Do you feel this is a smart move on my part? I adore him and want him to be well no matter if he is with me or not, but I don't want to get hurt if he is unable to get past this. He has been dealing with this problem for about 6 years and has tried multiple times to overcome this problem, but always goes back. I do understand that it isn't that I am not enough for him. I don't know if staying with him enables him to continue or not. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you. April Answer: Dear April, Your concerns are justified. Relationships with addicts, regardless of the addiction, can be frustrating and painful. The good news is that he wants to get help and has asked you to support him in this goal. It is typical that any addict will have slips and make several attempts at sobriety before ever achieving it for a significant duration of time. If you love him and he loves you, why not give it a chance. Don’t move in or marry him until he is further along in recovery, but the relationship can continue as it is until you are clearer where to go from here. As long as he is in a recovery program, such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, he is making an effort to turn his life around. You are smart to recognize that his obsession with porn is not a reflection on you. The seeds for this addiction were planted early in his life. You did not cause it, you can’t cure it, but you can support him is his efforts to recover and you may still be able to have a wonderful future with him. I’ve seen it happen with others. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am in the process of a divorce and I am in love with my best friend who is also in the process of a divorce. He has a very bitter wife and a child and the wife hates me and has already caused numerous problems. My friend feels obligated to give her everything and anything she wants for the most part until she gets on her feet. My question is - do we even have a chance at a happy relationship and if so - how do we proceed to ensure a successful one for both us and his daughter? Sincerely, Starting Over Answer: Dear Starting Over, When children are involved, moving on after divorce happens at a slower pace. The child is always a link between the two parents. The child is a mutual responsibility and obligation. Your friend has to do what he believes is in the child’s best interest. Sometimes that includes accommodating the needs or wishes of the other parent, even after the divorce. Yes, you have a chance at a happy relationship with this man. However, the ex will always be part of his life. Accept this and don’t rush into moving in with him. He needs time to adjust and work out the boundaries with the ex before he can effectively transition into another committed relationship. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I'm 21 years old. I don't know where I'm heading in life. Every year I have a new career, but before I even start it, I lose faith in myself and I don't go though with it. This year I want to become an advice columnist. I like helping others, but just not face to face. So, I feel that it would be a good job for me. I don't know how to start or if I have to go to school. I guess what I’m asking is how do I start this career and not lose faith in myself like I always do? Sincerely, Undecided Answer: Dear Undecided, Careers are built over time. Rarely does anyone hit the ground running. The important thing is that you choose a path that you will enjoy. Success will come because you are doing something that brings you pleasure and personal gratification. At age 21 you have a lot of time to decide what path to take. I have seen some people flounder into their 40’s before they find their niche. I have also seen people dedicate all their time and money to an education and specialization, only to reach their destination and change their mind. Sometimes we have to try something before we know if we will truly enjoy it. If you like helping others, yet maintaining a distance at the same time, I suggest you consider telephone customer service positions. These are relatively easy to come by and the training required is often provided on the job. A minimum of 6 months is necessary to sufficiently make up your mind if it is a good fit for you. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am a 36 year old single mom. I have been dating a man for the past 2 months. We have been exclusive. I have been on a rollercoaster ride for the past month of our relationship. He spends every other weekend with me and we talk daily on the phone or on the internet. When he sees me, we get really close. Then, the next day he pulls away. I yearn for emotional intimacy. He has tried to explain to me that our relationship is intense and fulfilling for him, but he needs his "cave time." After a few days have passed, he comes back to me. I experience a lot of hurt and anxiety in the process. I know he cares for me, but I think he wants to keep me at a distance. He has also told me that I am competing with his "imaginary woman" in his mind. Is this need to go back and forth between intimacy and autonomy normal for men? Is there anything I can do to decrease the frequency of this occurring? Also, should I be feeling that I am not going to be "good enough" to have a long term relationship with this man since I do not measure up to par with his imaginary woman? Please give me some advice. Sincerely, Lisa Answer: Dear Lisa, This is not a man with whom you will be able to have a lasting intimate relationship. At this time he is incapable of achieving an intimate relationship with anyone. The “imaginary woman” is a fantasy that no one will ever live up to because it is not realistic. The fact that he expects you to compete with his fantasies demonstrates that his capacity for intimacy is limited. This is why he keeps you “at a distance”. No, there is nothing you can do to decrease the frequency of his vacillation between isolation and attempts at intimacy. These are his issues that were present before you came along. I suggest that you not expect anything more from him than what you are currently getting. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, Can you please explain to me why my boyfriend prefers to masturbate to porn without me knowing about it? If I did not like pornography I could understand it, however that is just the opposite. I love porn and I have tried repeatedly to involve my boyfriend in fantasy/masturbation/sex while watching porn together. Instead, he walks out of the room, makes rude comments, or says he doesn't need porn to have sex. I then find out that he has been deceiving me since I met him over a year ago by renting porn and buying magazines when he is not with me, and then he lies about it. We are both 41, good looking, and in good shape. I am not jealous or competitive with other women, plus I am very open sexually and willing to please his every desire. When I ask him about this, he gets defensive, claims not to know why he does it, and swears he will not lie anymore and will start including me. But he hasn't, and I am feeling very inadequate and depressed about why he won't share this with me. I have never been critical or judgmental of him sexually, and our sex life is great and frequent. He seems very turned on by me and wants me to move in with him. Since he won't share his fantasies with me, I feel a lack of intimacy. I have tried everything I can think of to make him feel at ease with me. I am so hurt by this I don't know if I can stay with him. Can you please help me understand his problem? And let me know if there is anything I can do to change him? Sincerely, Linda Answer: Dear Linda, Masturbation to porn is not always a substitute for sex with a partner. Lots of couples continue to masturbate and privately enjoy porn despite their healthy sexual relationships with each other. Your boyfriend may simply enjoy this private sexual experience in addition to his experiences with you. I suspect he lies about it and keeps it secret because he is not accustomed to the women in his life being approving. You say that he wants to move in with you and that your sex life is great and frequent. If you are as sexually liberal as you claim to be, why not accept and allow him to have this private time to himself. Maybe this issue is not as big of a problem as you perceive it to be. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My husband and I are deeply in love and have been married 2 years. I have a lot of fantasies about being involved sexually with other women. My husband, however, is completely opposed and disgusted by this, thus making our sex life not enjoyable. I am willing to go without acting on my desire for other women. I have talked to him about this and he says if I ever did anything with another woman he would consider it cheating and divorce me. My husband does not please me the way I would like him to in the bedroom. How can we both experience pleasurable sex? Regina Answer: Dear Regina, I agree with your husband that sex with another woman without his approval would be cheating. It seems that abstaining from acting on your lesbian fantasies is the only alternative for you in this marriage. However, this does not excuse your husband for his inadequacy in the bedroom. You may have to assertively coach him about how you need to be pleasured. It is best to talk about this when you are not in the middle of a sexual encounter. Once you have explained to him what you need, be sure to reinforce when he is getting it right. If he is unwilling to meet your requests, the issue is more serious and will likely require the interventions of a counselor who is experienced in sex therapy. It is not easy to be monogamous with a mate who is not meeting your sexual needs. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have been with a guy on/off for about three years. I leave the relationship feeling very confused and bewildered by his behavior. I have spoken to a counselor and done a lot of research on the internet and believe that he has abandonment issues (possibly high functioning borderline personality disorder). I feel as though I am going crazy and I am so dumbfounded by what to do now. There is no doubt he has these issues however, I know I am the only person who REALLY sees them. His family isn't very close and just describe him as a “hard to please” sort of person. His close friends do often tell me that they don't understand him. At the moment, we are not seeing each other and I have not spoken to anyone else that knows him. However, if I don't say anything he will continue to put his head in the sand and live life as though there is nothing wrong. If other people start questioning him about his behavior he might come to an understanding that he needs to seek help. He does know that something is amiss as we have in the past talked about it MANY times. I know that that things will change once he comes to an understanding himself, however can I talk to others about my concerns? Not sure what to do... Kirsten Answer: Dear Kirsten, Of course you can talk to others about your concerns. Advice from friends who know both of you could be beneficial. However, I advise you to not disclose any information that he may have shared with you in confidence. If your boyfriend indeed has borderline personality disorder, it is no wonder that you feel crazy. Partners of borderlines will feel confused and bewildered because the borderline’s behavior and emotions are often incongruent with the situation. Borderlines will seek out and create abandonment scenarios and then blame the other person for not being there to take care of them. Treatment for this disorder takes many years of psychotherapy and recovery is slow at best. The bottom line is that your boyfriend’s “abandonment issues” are his to resolve when he is ready to deal with them. You could invite him to go to counseling with you to work on the communication in your relationship if you are certain you want to continue seeing him. Otherwise, take a look at your own reasons for staying in this relationship over the last three years. There may be issues of your own worth exploring before you get involved with another man. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I think my neighbor is trying to seduce me. I’m gay and he is straight and married. He comes over sometime to hang out and watch TV. He always gets on the subject of sex and starts asking me questions about gay sex. I think I could get him in bed, but I’m scared to ask. Is he hinting that he is interested by always bringing up the subject? Sincerely, Curious Neighbor Answer: Dear Neighbor, If the guy next door is married, he is off limits to you. He may be interested and you might be able to get him in bed, but then what? I suggest you ask him why he brings up the subject of sex so frequently when he is around you. Perhaps he questions his own orientation, and could use any moral support you could offer as he comes to grips with the truth. Be a good neighbor and respect the boundaries of this relationship. Affairs with married men are never a good idea, especially when they live right next door. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, What are the general guidelines for office layout and design for a therapeutic relationship? I have been seeing a therapist for three years and have come to a standstill. I think it has to do with the office which makes me extremely uncomfortable. It is very formal yet has fake plants. It’s dusty, but he excuses the dirt as "poor maid service". Two club chairs face the sofa on which I sit, but at a diagonal, so that when he takes the right chair he is about five feet from my right arm. If he sat on the left, I think I'd feel better, but am afraid to ask. Am I just experiencing some kind of transference or is my level of discomfort valid. All I know is I am feeling more and more powerless and intimidated with each visit. The whole thing is awkward and scary for me. Any suggestions? Sincerely, Freaked out Answer: Dear Freaked Out, To my knowledge, there are not “general guidelines” for office layout and design for therapists’ offices. For each therapist, it is a matter of taste and budget. Some may apply principles of ergonomics or feng shui and some will be more astute about what is conducive to helping the client relax in the setting. Your discomfort with your therapist is always valid regardless of the cause. I am concerned that you are afraid to tell your therapist about your discomfort in the sessions, especially after three years of therapy. It is not helping you to go to sessions where you feel intimidated and powerless. If you are experiencing transference, a good clinician will use that to move the sessions to a deeper level so that the feelings can be processed and understood. However, your therapist cannot know what you are experiencing if you don’t tell him. I suggest that you share your feelings with him as you have with me. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. He is always apologizing or asking if I am mad at him. For example, when I am upset about a situation, he immediately assumes I am upset with him. After answering the same question morning, noon, and night, "Are you mad at me," one cannot help but use an edgy tone. I spent 7 years in the military and was a sergeant upon discharge. When I joined, I was shy, isolated, and an angry individual, but that changed during my service time and life overseas. Now, I live my life to the fullest and explore all that I can. I love life. I love culture, arts, theater, and adventure. My boyfriend grew up miserably in foster care. He was badly abused, and had a rough life. He lost his first love tragically. My boyfriend does have good qualities, but he claims I have castrated him into the “woman” in the relationship. When I disagree with his opinions, he then comes back with “oh, I can't express my opinion” or “I can't talk to you”. Worst of all, he always says I have to have my way. I have changed jobs a few times because he claims I do not spend any time with him, or he complains he always wakes up alone, and that I don't love him. The constant “are you sure,” when I tell him that I love him, does sometimes drive me crazy. What do I do with his insecurity? Sincerely, Free Spirited and wanting to remain in love Answer: Dear Free Spirit, Your boyfriend’s insecurity likely results from his unfortunate experiences as a youth. He believes love is conditional and that he must work to earn it. Like all of us, he learned about love and relationships from the people with whom he grew up. If he lived in different foster homes, he may have concluded that if you make someone angry, you will have to leave. The constant checking in, is his attempt to relieve his anxiety about his status in this relationship with you. He may even become more anxious the longer the relationship lasts. If he is not accustomed to people sticking around for very long, it may be hard for him to believe this relationship has not already ended. There is nothing you can do to alleviate his insecurity. It is his issue to resolve and he will likely be addressing it on some level for a long time to come. It is woven into his spirit because of his most early experiences with relationships. Always be honest with him about how you feel. Be consistent with your messages of love. When you are angry with him, let him know and be specific about why you are angry. He has to learn that people can be angry with him and still love him. I hope that his beliefs about himself in relation to others will change as he experiences more stability in relationships. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Steve, My husband and I have been married a little over a year, but he has never added my name to the house nor any of his bank accounts. He says that I don't need to know any of his personal business as long as he takes care of everything and that he would never add my name to the house or accounts because he was afraid that I would take it all. He says that all of this was his before he met me. What is your advice to me? Sincerely, Candee Answer: Dear Candee, Too bad you did not discuss this with him before you got married. Couples often make assumptions about what marriage will be like it and then discover after the wedding that their spouse has a different idea. This is a good example of how pre-marital counseling can be beneficial. I suggest you consult an attorney regarding your rights to his property. Laws can vary from state to state. I also suggest that you and your husband deal with his distrust and his need to keep financial affairs secret from you. This may be his means of exerting power over you in this marriage. Some counselors would describe this as a non-violent means of abuse. You become dependent and subservient if you are not treated as an equal partner in the marriage. I am not saying this is the case with you, but I do think it requires consideration. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve I have a reoccurring problem in relationships whereas about one year into them I start to get angry with the woman. I feel I have resentment towards women, but do not know why. I cannot remember any situation that would cause such resentment. Also and foremost, I am never comfortable in intimate situations, which I think brings on the resentment. I am working with my partner right now and need to get to the bottom of this issue soon. Thanks for any advice you may be able to offer. Sincerely, Jon Answer: Dear Jon, When you say you are working with your partner now, I hope you mean in counseling. We are best able to work on relationship issues when we are currently in a relationship. Your resentment may stem from factors for which you are not consciously aware. It does not have to be the result of one situation in particular. Intimacy generally increases over the duration of the relationship. We are more our true self one year into a relationship than we are in the early stages. As we let our guard down, we begin revealing our true self. Anger can be a mask for fear. Perhaps you should ask yourself what you are afraid of, instead of trying to determine the source of your resentment. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am hoping that you can be helpful in a problem that has plagued my son for years. He grew up with an alcoholic father whom he was never able to please. His father had quite an anger problem! Our son is now 30 years old and has suffered from depression since puberty. There is a family history on my husband's side of bio-polar disease. Our son was hospitalized two times during those years. He is taking medication and has received ECT while hospitalized. Lithium continues to be effective, but approximately once a year, he stops the medicine and then goes into a depression. He is under a psychiatrist’s care, but the doctor is in his 70's. The main theme of worry for our son has been that he has not been able to perform sexually with a woman. He masturbates and his fantasies are of women, according to what he tells his father. Not being able to function with a woman, he believes he might be homosexual. This has been the center of his worries. Please, where does he go for help? He lives in Salem, Oregon and in trying to find a counselor there, hasn't found any luck in someone dealing with this type of problem. Please help! He is very spiritual and has a deep faith in God. He has a girlfriend that is pressuring him to marry her in August. She knows everything that I have expressed to you. Please give us any help possible. Sincerely, Diane Answer: Dear Diane, Your son’s issues are multi-layered. There are both genetic and social influences complicating his situation. I regret that I have more questions than answers about his circumstances. Therefore, I will reply in general terms and suggest you further explore the facts concerning his health. Most therapists believe there is a genetic predisposition to affective disorders such as bi-polar disorder or depression. Sometimes alcohol abuse is the individual’s attempt at self-medication in order to feel “normal”. It is common that alcoholism and affective disorders go hand in hand, as may be the case with your son’s father. It has been my experience that individual’s with an affective disorder tend to periodically stop their medication. They don’t like the medication side effects, and after a time of emotional stability, they think perhaps they are now free from the illness. Your son may need to be on medication for the duration of his life and will probably need his medication adjusted from time to time. In regards to his sexual concerns, again this may be multi-faceted. If he is able achieve an erection and ejaculation during masturbation, then the sexual dysfunction is not a side effect of his medication. It could simply be that he is anxious when with a partner and the fear that he can’t perform becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Generally, heterosexual men who are unable to perform with a female partner do not conclude that they are homosexual. They have no questions about the object of their attraction. Therefore, I am curious if there is more to your son’s concern about his sexual orientation than he has shared with you and his father. If he is indeed homosexual, he may be trying to suppress his orientation in order to comply with social, religious, and family expectations. If this is the case, continual suppression could increase his chances of further depressive episodes with longer duration. The age of your son’s psychiatrist is less relevant than his level of competency. It never hurts to get a second opinion. However, if your son’s medications have stabilized his mood, I would not let someone else tamper with them. It is possible that your son could see a therapist in conjunction with the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist can manage the medication while the therapist does counseling. You may have to travel to a larger community to find a qualified therapist. Portland would be a good place to begin. I recommend finding an objective therapist who will not be quick to label your son’s sexual orientation, but will help him further explore to find the truth. Portland likely has a gay newspaper or resource guide that will list therapists who are culturally sensitive to gays and lesbians. You can find gay papers and resource guides at any major bookstore or online with a little research. It is appropriate to briefly interview therapists by phone to determine who may be the best fit. I caution you, do not send him to a therapist who claims to change homosexuals into heterosexuals. While it is often possible to modify sexual behavior, I am not aware of any recorded evidence where an individual’s sexual orientation was converted. At this point, we do not know that your son is homosexual, but if he suspects he may be, we want him to see a therapist who will safely support him toward self-acceptance. As for the girlfriend, there is no rush toward marriage. Marriage will not solve your son’s problems. If he does not want to be married, giving in to her wishes will only complicate his recovery. Continue to support your son with loving messages of acceptance. Avoid comments or behavior that he may perceive as judgmental or critical. Still, remember that he is an adult and his health is ultimately his responsibility. We can always improve our present and future despite the misfortunes of our past. My best wishes to you and your son. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I need help with a problem I have. My husband is 52 and I am 42. We have been married for 3 years. We do not share any money; all of our finances are separate. He pays his bills and I pay mine. The problem is I do not know financially what he has. His checking account has his son’s name on it. His life insurance policies have his kid’s names on them. I took a policy out on him myself that I pay in case something should happen. He refuses to pay for health insurance because he does not believe in paying those kinds of premiums; he is self-employed. I need to know what is going to happen if he should get sick and has to be hospitalized, then dies and he has no insurance. Who is going to be liable for the bill, he tells me it will not be me and I tell him different. I do not want to have to go through the money I have saved for retirement or the life insurance policy that I have for him, or have to sell my home to pay for a hospital bill. Could you please tell me what is going to happen in this case. Thanks, Lynn Answer: Dear Lynn, I am not an attorney and the answer to your question may vary depending on the state in which you live, but my guess about the scenario you describe is that you would be responsible for all of the bills since you are the legal next-of-kin. You need to consult an attorney on this matter and you and your husband need to come to some decisions about your financial arrangements. Many couples keep their bills separate as a means of maintaining financial independence and avoiding arguments about money. However, every married couple should be privy to their spouses financial circumstances since most states hold the spouse equally accountable for their partner’s debts. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, Should a parent help a college sophomore out of credit card debt? The student owes approximately $4,000 and the parent was not aware. Or, should the parent let them figure it out? Don’t know what to do! Sincerely, Upset and confused Answer: Dear Upset and Confused, Between the extremes of paying off the sophomore’s debt and doing nothing, there is another option; counsel the sophomore about how to pay off the debt and teach them to avoid future abuse of the credit privilege. Parents should think of their children’s mistakes as opportunities for teaching the child to do things a better way. Here is a great opportunity to examine why the debt occurred and to explore viable alternatives to credit cards. If they pay the debt themselves, they will have a greater understanding of financial responsibility. Best wishes to the student and the parent, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, but I feel like I am falling away from him. I thought I loved him, but now I think I like someone else. I want to be with my boyfriend, but I also want to be single and see what else is out there for me. How do I deal with this dilemma? Sincerely, J. Answer: Dear J. Unfortunately, we can’t always have our cake and eat it too. I think you should tell your boyfriend that you want the opportunity to date other guys. He may agree to share you or he may call it quits. You have to be mature enough to accept his response. If you are not sure you can be happy without him, I suggest you put more energy into improving the aspects of the relationship that have caused you to question it. If you discover that these things cannot be improved, then terminating the relationship may ultimately be the right decision. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am in love with someone I cannot have. It isn’t him who is off limits, it is me. Should I try to work toward becoming his friend or avoid him completely? It pains me to think of my life without knowing him. I have not initiated anything with him, even though I want to know him better. I know it would be wrong and I don’t want to hurt my husband. Am I a bad person? I feel all alone in this matter. Please help!! Sincerely, Confused Answer: Dear Confused, You say you are in love with this man, yet it seems you don’t know him well. Could it be that you are only in love with your fantasy about him? You are not a bad person for having fantasies. Everyone does, whether they admit it or not. The important thing is that you distinguish the fantasy from the facts. Getting to know him better may help you get a clearer picture of who he really is in contrast to who you need him to be. If I am on track with my reply, I encourage you to explore why you need this fantasy in your life and how it has grown to consume so much of your energy. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My girlfriend and I are going through some rough times. Lately, she has been accusing me of cheating on her, but I am not. I am a truck driver, so she thinks I am having sex with anything that moves. She also has a new male roommate and won’t let me meet him. She says he is gay, but I don’t believe her. Therefore, I think she is the one cheating on me. I don’t know what to do. I still love her very much. Please help me with some advice on what I can or should do. Sincerely, Richard Answer: Dear Richard, The circumstances of your relationship make it difficult for the two of you to develop trust in each other. Her accusations likely result from her desire to spend more time with you, and her fear that she will lose you if she is not always at your side. Your concern about her roommate is legitimate if she will not allow you to meet him. I wonder if she maintains this mystery as a means of balancing the fear in the relationship. Perhaps she wants you to be as suspicious of her as she is of you. Regardless of the motives, you are both making accusations with no proof that the other one is cheating. I suggest that you and your girlfriend only deal with the facts of your relationship as you know them to be. Until you have evidence that the other one is cheating, you are fighting about an issue that may not exist. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, We have been having problems with my husband's family. It started when we became engaged. His brother and sister- in-law are the major problem. His brother is the favorite child, and can do no wrong in his parent’s eyes, and our sister-in-law is always lying about us. Our daughter has Downs Syndrome and to make us look bad, my sister- in-law told the family we were lying about our daughter’s health. She has the family convinced we are liars. My husband’s brother has already hit our oldest child twice and put his fists up to me. We have stopped all contact with them, but this still does not stop the craziness. The lies continue. For 2 years, we have not spoken to my husband’s parents either. Now, I may be pregnant and they all want us back. My Sister- in-law wants me as an ally against our mother in-law. When I would not participate, she set out to make our lives a living hell- harassing phone calls, following our 3-year-old’s bus, watching our house, following us. Since my husband’s brother has such a temper, I'm scared to death. I want PEACE, but my husband wants a relationship with all of them. He is used to the craziness and maybe misses it. I cannot deal with the immaturity and lies. HELP! What should I do? Do I give in and wait until his brother, mother, or sister-in-law does something to my children or me, or should I put my foot down and insist on no contact. Sincerely, Andrea Answer: Dear Andrea, I agree it is wise to end all contact with your husband’s family. The severity of the dysfunction is potentially dangerous to you and your children. Though we typically feel obligated to tolerate our relative’s pathology, what you describe is beyond toleration. Do not allow your children to be subjected to this behavior. Good Luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, It seems I can’t maintain a relationship for more than a few months at a time. I meet someone I like, we date for a while, and then I suddenly lose interest. I think I want to be in a lasting relationship, but can’t seem to find the right guy. How do I figure out what I’m doing wrong? It must be me since I am usually the one who ends it. Sincerely, Fickle Answer: Dear Fickle, Relationships are very exciting in the early stage. Everything is new. We are usually on our best behavior and hide our shortcomings until we think it is safe to reveal them. The third or forth month of a relationship is a crucial time. Making it this far means that there is obviously something that attracts you to each other. Now, you have to consider taking it to the next level. It is here that the relationship either ends or becomes more serious. If intimacy scares you, then the way to avoid it is by ending the relationship. Perhaps this is the case with you. Maybe you interpret your fear of intimacy as a loss of interest in the other person. I suggest you make a diagram of your last three relationships. List their similarities. Write what you were feeling at the time you called it quits. This exercise may help you pinpoint the specific reasons you detach. If so, you will know the triggers to look out for in the future. You can’t have a lasting relationship if you are not willing to stick around. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am a 47 year old gay man in Nashville. I have had a lifelong problem of falling in love with unattainable "straight" guys and suffering the pain of longing for what I cannot have. My therapist says I’m a masochist and that my pain is a gift I give myself. Its NOT that easy to control my feelings! When I meet attractive gay men, I have NO interest and have had NO satisfying sexual experience ever. I am always yearning for the unattainable, both sexually and emotionally. I currently am head over heels in love with a friend of four years who lives in the UK and who I presume is straight. This took off when he visited me here a few years ago. Then last summer we had intimate talks and close contact while camping in Scotland. That threw gas on an already raging fire. He knows nothing about my feelings for him. I need some immediate relief as I hang on to his every call. I currently have no desire to meet anyone new. No one else can be him. Anyone who is attainable is boring and perhaps their availability scares me. I also lust after guys I see in public that I know I cannot have. On occasion, I do get them and the sex is boring. I need help. I want my UK friend as a pal and I am obsessing way too much. I need to resolve this. I need a sex life before I am too old to enjoy it !! Thanks, Fuller Answer: Dear Fuller, Yes, you are obsessing and it sounds like you feel miserable. You describe a lifelong process of chasing fantasies. It is the fantasy of the unattainable that you are lusting after, not the individual. Reality can never compare to your fantasy; in fact, it destroys it. This is why you can never be satisfied with a real person and real sex bores you. Reality is never as perfect as the fantasies we make up in our head. The only way you are able to end the obsession with an individual is to have them. Here, the fantasy ends and the reality is just not as sweet. Your only means of keeping the fantasy alive is to transfer it to someone else you believe you cannot have. Your obsession is comparable to an addiction that grows stronger if not treated. Individuals with your symptoms sometimes find benefit from attending 12-step meetings for sex and love addicts. Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous are two different 12-step programs you may want to investigate. In addition, some antidepressant medications have proven effective at treating obsessive thoughts. I suggest you discuss these options with your therapist to see if he or she agrees these are interventions to consider. Take Care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have returned from my holiday visit with my family with a stack of gifts that I neither like nor will use. Each year I receive ugly clothes that don’t fit, ridiculous knickknacks that I will not set out, or cologne that makes me ill. My family means well and thinks they are giving me gifts I will appreciate. They also shop on a budget. I hate seeing them waste their money on things I will not use and I feel guilty if I give their gifts to charity or throw them away. Is there a tactful way I can avoid this situation in the future and not hurt their feelings. Sincerely, Hard to shop for Answer: Dear Hard to shop for, Most definitely, you want to be cautious not to hurt your family’s feelings about the gifts they give. There are ways to handle this delicate situation. Give them some affordable suggestions about what you like or could use. Sometimes, simply telling one person in the family will get the word out to the others. You may also let them know that there is a particular store where you like to shop, and ask for a gift card or certificate. If there is a charity you support, you can request that they make a donation on your behalf since “you already have so much and can’t think of a thing you need for yourself”. The goal is to clue them about things that will be meaningful to you without criticizing the gifts they have already given. For the same reason, asks them what they would like. Do you know what they really think about the gifts you have given them? Steve

Question: Dear Steve, Every New Year I make a resolution to save more money and at the end of each year, I have not saved a dime. Any advice about how to keep the resolutions that I make? Sincerely, Broke Answer: Dear Broke, There is nothing wrong with your resolution, but you must follow it up with a plan about how you will make the savings happen. Perhaps you set up an automatic deposit to your savings account. Maybe you will give up or decrease spending on luxury items and put that money in savings. You probably already have some ideas about how you could save the money, but have not implemented an approach to make it happen. Also, don’t become discouraged when you slip. If you get off course one month, get back on the plan the next. Resolutions should be about making improvements, not necessarily perfection. . Visibly watching an account grow over time can be an incentive to continue your savings plan. Additionally, depending on how much you want to save and the size of your budget, a financial planner may be a good investment. I suggest finding one who charges a fee for the service and does not work on commission. Commission-based financial planners must sell you something (a life insurance policy, a mutual fund, etc.) in order to make money for their services. Many banks and credit union will offer financial planning to their customers at no cost. Good luck this year with your resolution. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, Every New Year I make a resolution to save more money and at the end of each year, I have not saved a dime. Any advice about how to keep the resolutions that I make? Sincerely, Broke Answer: Dear Broke, There is nothing wrong with your resolution, but you must follow it up with a plan about how you will make the savings happen. Perhaps you set up an automatic deposit to your savings account. Maybe you will give up or decrease spending on luxury items and put that money in savings. You probably already have some ideas about how you could save the money, but have not implemented an approach to make it happen. Also, don’t become discouraged when you slip. If you get off course one month, get back on the plan the next. Resolutions should be about making improvements, not necessarily perfection. . Visibly watching an account grow over time can be an incentive to continue your savings plan. Additionally, depending on how much you want to save and the size of your budget, a financial planner may be a good investment. I suggest finding one who charges a fee for the service and does not work on commission. Commission-based financial planners must sell you something (a life insurance policy, a mutual fund, etc.) in order to make money for their services. Many banks and credit union will offer financial planning to their customers at no cost. Good luck this year with your resolution. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years. We have 1 child, age 8. When we got married, we moved to Nashville almost immediately. My employment took me on the road. My wife is very independent, and this seemed to work really well. We had a very happy marriage and a good sex life. As of 2000, my wages dropped sharply and my wife went back to work after 3 years of staying home with our son. This is when the trouble started. My wife has lost all her sex drive and says she is not interested in me. Did I mention she is 49 and is going through menopause? She is depressed all the time. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she said would rather not. I have tried to be strong, but being the only one interested in keeping our relationship happy has been hard. Its been a long time since we were intimate. She avoids me and won't touch or embrace me in any way. I have become depressed and am not sleeping or feeling good. Should I force the issue of counseling? I feel this may be the only way to save our marriage. Thank you, Bill Answer: Dear Bill, I agree that counseling may be the right decision at this time. Your wife may be resistant if she believes your only goal is to improve your sex life. Let her know that you want to improve the quality of your relationship with each other and that sex is only one aspect of the relationship. If she still refuses, make a counseling appointment for yourself. This will show her you are serious about making changes and may motivate her to get on board. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My husband and I recently relocated to a new town due to a promotion with his job. A month before me moved, I found out that he was watching porn. I wasn't that upset that he was watching it, but that he just let me find the cable bill, and couldn't tell me about it. I never said a word about it because it wasn't a typical thing for him to do. After we moved, it became more frequent, so I confronted him. He said he was sorry and promised not to do it again. A couple of months later, he did it again. I was upset that he did it, mainly because he wouldn’t share it with me. He just wants to do it by himself in private. That weekend I went out of town. When I got home, I found out he paid for phone sex. I almost left him I was so mad. We have a great sex life-- 3-4 times a week, and get along great most of the time. However, he will not talk to me about this; he just says it is something he likes to do by himself. Do you think he has a major problem with porn, or do you think he is just releasing stress? I don't know what to think. Please give me some insight! Thanks Cali Answer: Dear Cali, Here are the red flags as I see them: keeping secrets about his sexual activity, spending money for sexual gratification, promising to change his behavior and then breaking the promise. All of these things are indicators that a problem exists. As you suggested, this may be the result of increased stress. Still, it is a warning sign that his behavior is becoming unmanageable. I suggest you not fight with him about this, or attempt to control his behavior. I do encourage you to continue to express your concern to him, and I recommend that he go with you to a therapist for a consultation. A male therapist who specializes in sex therapy would be my recommendation. Intervening early in this situation may save both of you additional heartache in the future. Good Luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, A friend who is straight, but a health care professional in another state, tells me that he sees two groups of gay/bi/trans individuals. First, those in a relatively stable relationship with a partner who is within 8 years difference in age. Then a much larger group of individuals who continually are seeking relationships with individuals much younger, but do not have a history of relationships that last longer than 2-3 years. He asked me if that is the norm? Do you have any insights or experience to share? Sincerely, Fifty Something Answer: Dear Fifty Something, In general, gays and straights tend to seek out partners from the same generation. These relationships have a greater chance of survival because the individuals involved have more in common. The greater the disparity in age, the more differences in their relationship needs. However, there are always exceptions to the rule. When there is mutual attraction between individuals with similar life goals and values, age difference is irrelevant. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I just have one question, but by no means is it a simple one. There must be a few factors that could tell me when it is time to give up on my marriage. How do I know when it is time to throw in the towel? Thanks, Deb Answer: Dear Deb, Every relationship is unique. There are no universal clues to indicate when it is time to “throw in the towel”. I have seen couples with very volatile relationships stay together for a lifetime and couples with seemingly peaceful relationships decide to call it quits. The duration of any relationship is left to the choices of the individuals involved. All relationships have challenges and couples should strive to overcome those challenges whenever they can. After all, relationships are partnerships that require the efforts of both parties. When one or both parties determine that the relationship is no longer worth the effort, then separation may be the most sensible alternative. Divorce is an option if you believe there is no hope of changing the things about your relationship that make you unhappy and you would be happier living alone than living with your partner. If you are sure your partner cannot offer you the things you need from a relationship, are there secondary advantages to not letting go? The bottom line is that you must decide for yourself when it is right to “throw in the towel”. If the relationship has no hopes for improvement and the parties involved have no commitment to change, the time may be now. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My husband and I have sex less and he masturbates more. He sits on a porn site and masturbates almost everyday, whereas sex with me is once a week, and I have to initiate it. I have tried to talk about it, but he thinks its ok. I feel unwanted and hurt. This happens when I am around and available to be with him. What do I do? Sincerely, Nancy Answer: Dear Nancy, It sounds like your husband has an addiction to porn. While on the surface it appears to be about sex, it is most likely about escape. Porn has become a private refuge for him where fantasy replaces reality. Sex with you or any other person requires his mental presence. The intimacy of being with another person does not fulfill his need to escape into this personal refuge. Masturbation and pornography are not the problem. They are simply his chosen method of escape, like alcohol for an alcoholic. Masturbation is a normal and healthy means of sexual gratification. Pornography can be a means of enhancing the gratification for individuals and couples. However, when the two are consistently chosen over the opportunity to be with a significant other, there is obviously a problem that needs to be addressed. I am surprised that your husband does this in your presence. Individuals with a compulsion for pornography generally try to hide the behavior, especially if they know their partner does not approve. There is nothing you can do to change your husband’s behavior. This is not about you. Only he can change this behavior if he chooses. I recommend you check out a program called S- Anon for partners or family members of persons with sexual addiction. There may be a group near you, depending on where you live. You can find them at the web address http://www.sanon.org . Take care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am a 23-year-old gay man from a small town in MN. I am very outspoken and perhaps eccentric; I have many body piercings and a Mohawk haircut. Last year I enrolled in cosmetology school. The owner of the school did not like me from the day I started. Two months after I began the program, he implemented a “no facial piercings” rule for students. I have had my piercings over 5 years. I obliged, and took them out before classes, even though the other students did not. One day I forgot, and subsequently expelled, when I was almost halfway through the program. After talking to the owner, he agreed to forgive the matter and allow me to return to school. Other students were still displaying their piercings without repercussions. Two weeks later, he sold the school and was about to retire, when again, I forgot to remove or cover my piercings, and again was expelled. I met with the new owner about the situation, and the meeting seemed to be going well, until he told me I owe $6,000.00 more on my tuition. He will not let me return until I pay at least $3,000.00 up front, which I don’t have. I am very depressed about this entire situation. It has been my dream to complete cosmetology school. The stress of the matter has also lead to a break up with my boyfriend. I don’t know where to turn now. Please offer some advice. Sincerely, Lost in Duluth Answer: Dear Lost in Duluth, It is unfortunate that a school administrator would worry more about someone’s appearance or accessories than their talents and skills. However, this is a reality in our society, and sometimes we have to oblige the ridiculous rules in order to get what we ultimately want, in your case, graduation from cosmetology school. I applaud you for being yourself and having the integrity to live your life openly and honestly. I also caution you that this really pisses off some folks who have not yet achieved that degree of integrity in their own life. It would have been to your advantage to keep your eyes focused on the goal of graduation and not the fairness of the dress code. It would have also been advantageous to know up front how much money was required to get through the program. Of course, all of this is in the past and can’t be changed. Don’t lose sight of your ultimate goal; completing cosmetology school. The complicated details of your experience at the school may be clouding your ability to see all of your options. Can you get another loan? Can you get a part time job to help pay for school? Will your credits transfer to a different school where you can start new? Is there a scholarship program? Can you barter your services at the school in exchange for completing your education? Don’t fall into the victim trap by giving in to the feelings of helplessness. Remember, one day you may own your own cosmetology school, and you can dress and wear whatever you like. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve. I was exposed to sex at a young age and steadily throughout childhood. I'm 32 now and have a tremendous sexual appetite. This pleases and upsets my wife. I dated up until our engagement and cheated once, at the start of our two-year marriage. I was told that before me, my wife had never climaxed, and she claimed to be grateful. I am also told that my sexual nature upsets her as she mistakenly thinks I want every woman I see. I have tried unsuccessfully to curb my urges, and to reassure her that I am committed completely, to making this marriage happy and long-lived. She claims to have forgiven, but not forgotten, and uneasily we carry-on with life. Recently she walked in on me during my personal time. She was infuriated! Displaying the same reaction I'd expect if I was caught with a prostitute. She threw my things out of the room, and gave me a two-day silent treatment. She’s considering leaving me. I love my wife, and I am very affectionate, kissing, hugging dancing in the kitchen, cuddling, whenever she allows. I am always the initiator, and never refuse her. My question is, where do I go from this point? I'll probably masturbate as long as I have the means, and it means absolutely nothing. My wife acts as if it's an insult. Is it? If I have to stop, then how? By the way, I have never paid a dime for pornography, have never gone to a strip bar or massage parlor and have cut ties with childhood friends that enjoy these activities. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? Sincerely, The Husband Answer: Dear Husband, I don’t know that you are doing anything wrong. Most men continue to masturbate after marriage and that in itself is not wrong. However, your wife may interpret this as a rejection of her. She may fear that she is not enough to satisfy your sexual appetite and that you might again stray outside the marriage for sexual gratification. The anger might be masking her fear. I am concerned that you were exposed to sex as a child. This can create some unhealthy attitudes about sex and behaviors that many consider socially inappropriate, especially for a man who is married. Sex should be enjoyable and there is nothing wrong or unhealthy about a strong sexual appetite, unless it causes other aspects of your life to be unmanageable or feel out of control. I suggest you do some reading about sex addiction for the purpose of education and to determine if you can relate to any of the symptoms. You can find information online or in the psychology or self-help section of your local bookstore. I also suggest that you and your wife see a reputable relationship counselor who is experienced in sex therapy. The subject is a consistent conflict in your marriage and needs professional attention before it becomes a bigger problem. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have been married to my husband for 14 years. This year has been very hard on us because we were both laid off. We have not been getting along and I feel like I have fallen out of love with him. He is insensitive, will never talk to me about our troubles, refuses to seek marriage counseling, and yells at our kids and me all the time. When he gets home from his new job, all he wants to do is watch TV and eat. The kids complain to me that he never spends time with them anymore. If I try to speak with him about it, he completely over reacts and starts screaming and cussing at me. He neglects me as well, physically and emotionally. If I try to talk to him about it, he has the same reaction, screaming and temper tantrum type fits. I have no idea what to do. I cant talk to him, he refuses marriage counseling. What can I do? I feel lost and alone. Please help. Vicki Answer: Dear Vicki, Is this new behavior for your husband, or is this his typical personality style? Are you aware of any substance abuse? If it is new behavior, it could be symptomatic of a mood disorder that is complicated by the stress of the past year. If your husband has a substance abuse problem, his mood and behavior will be affected by the substances he is using. In either of these cases, recovery is possible if you or someone he knows, could get him to a physician for an evaluation. If this is typical of his personality, it is not likely to change. I suggest you see a therapist alone since he will not go with you. A therapist could further assess the situation to help you determine what to do from here. I also suggest you make a close friend or family member aware of the situation. You did not indicate that your husband has been physically abusive of you or your children, but I am concerned about the potential for this if the situation continues to escalate. Take care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am confused about why my husband has to masturbate when I give him sex ANYTIME he asks for it. He can only last about 1 minute before getting off. I never reach orgasm with him. For instance, we had sex at 2 in the morning, and then that evening I walked in on him while he was masturbating. I was very hurt. I feel its all me. Help me, Confused Answer: Dear Confused, Generally, men don’t think of masturbation as a substitute for a partner or as the sexual release of last resort. They (we) masturbate because they can. The fact that your husband masturbates is no cause for concern, and may have nothing to do with the degree to which he is satisfied in his sexual relationship with you. His premature ejaculation and the fact that you are not having orgasms are the issues that concern me as a therapist. I suggest you talk to him about this if you have not already. You should both be enjoying the sexual experiences you have together. Tell him what you need in order to achieve orgasm. If he doesn’t deliver, marriage counseling would be my recommendation. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My partner and I have been together for 7 years. We've had almost the perfect life together until about 5 weeks ago, when he met another guy. I was aware of this, and aware they were going to have sex. Unfortunately, they are supposedly in love now and my partner is torn between us. He says he loves me, but he appears miserable without the other guy. He has told him he couldn't see or talk to him for a couple of weeks while we try to work things out. All of this is eating me up. I can't work, sleep, or eat. I don't know whether to leave, wait things out, or expect to be left. I need help desperately, but can’t afford to pay for counseling at this time. Any advice would be appreciated. Sincerely, B. Answer: Dear B., I am glad your partner and his new friend have taken a break from seeing each other. This is necessary in order for everyone to sort through their feelings and thoughts about this situation. It might also be beneficial for you to have sometime away from your partner. Right now, I suspect you just want this to be over. Regardless of the outcome, I don’t anticipate closure coming quickly. If you separate, there will be grief and loss associated with breaking down what you have built in 7 years. If you stay together, reestablishing trust will be a challenge. Either way, some emotional discomfort is inevitable. Surround yourself with people who can be supportive of you. Keep up as much of your regular routine as possible so not everything in your life turns upside down at the same time. Depending on where you live, there may be some very affordable counseling services available to you and your partner. The assistance of an objective third party could be of great benefit during this time of crisis. Take care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve: PLEASE HELP!!! My son is 16 and believes he is gay. He has never had an "experience", but has kissed another boy. I found notes describing some behavior and that lead me to track his chat room participation. He states he also like girls, but he has urges when he sees a good-looking guy. I'm very open minded, and we have a very good relationship. I believe he is very honest with me, at least when confronted. How do I go about getting counseling for us to learn what causes him to believe he is gay? I would never disown him and I told him so. I just honestly think he's confused about his sexuality. Any help and or references would be greatly appreciated. We're in the Oklahoma City area. Thank you , Oklahoma Dad Answer: Dear Oklahoma Dad, Your son is fortunate to have a father who is willing to address this issue with an open mind. If your son believes he is gay, he probably is. I have never met an individual who thought they were gay, but was not. However, one’s sexual orientation is something everyone has to determine for themselves. Generally, by age 16, boys are fairly certain what interests them sexually. The exact determinants of sexual orientation, heterosexual or homosexual, are still unclear. Most health care professionals believe sexual orientation is determined by genetics or environmental influences or a combination of the two. It is also important to draw a distinction between sexual orientation and sexual behavior. Adolescent boys may experiment sexually with other boys, but never identify themselves as gay. Despite the homosexual behavior, they are clear about their heterosexual orientation. As well, gay teens may experiment with the opposite sex, yet still know they are gay. I suggest you allow your son the freedom to explore and continue to supervise him in this process. Check out an organization called Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) at http://www.pflag.org/. Also, most book store chains will have sections dedicated to Gay/Lesbian Interest and Human Sexuality. Find books you can read together and investigate structured, supervised activities for gay teens in your area. Good luck to you and your son. Steve

Question: Dear Steve My boyfriend is controlling and he is very cheap, but I am quite different. We have been together almost 3 yrs and I am not sure if I should stay with him. He always has a bad attitude. What should I do? Sincerely, Questioning Answer: Dear Questioning, I recommend you trust your instincts. Do you want to spend another year like the last three? A chronic bad attitude is indicative of personality characteristics which do not easily change. If it has been this way for the duration of the relationship, I suspect this is how it will always be. Don’t settle for a relationship that does not enrich your life and soul. You deserve to be happy. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My husband and I have been married for 11 months and are discovering our differences everyday. Even the simplest things turn into big arguments. My problem is that my husband confides in his best friend who he has known for many years. This man is 40 years old, very overweight, lives and travels with his mother, has never been in a long-term relationship, is retired, and has no friends. He even has sex with a fake vagina. I asked my husband not to talk to this man about us and stated all the above as my reason. I really think his friend is not supportive or encouraging when my husband talks about our difficulties. I confide in a girlfriend who has always been non-judgmental. She helps open my mind to see the goodness in my husband. I never get off the phone with her feeling bad about me or him. His friend to me is toxic. My question is; am I overreacting about his friend? Isn't there a type of person that you should never ask advice according to the way you see how they live their life? Thanks Nash Answer: Dear Nash, A frequent mistake couples make is trying to change the other one to be more like themselves. The “simple” differences should be accepted because they are part of your individuality as human beings. Marriage does not erase your individual personalities or characteristics and you should not expect it to. The bigger differences have to be negotiated in a way that you can both live with comfortably. I suggest you redirect your focus from your husband’s friend to yourself and your marriage. Despite your opinion of the friend, he has far less influence over your husband’s feelings about the marriage than you do. Judging this friend is one more reason for your husband to question your acceptance of him. To answer your questions; yes, I think you are overreacting about your husband’s friend, and yes, the way we live our own life is one factor which gives credit to the quality of the advice we give to others. What one does with the advice, good or bad, is often based on a decision they were already contemplating. Good luck to you and your husband as you continue to discover the many things that make you both unique and wonderful individuals. Steve

Question: Dear Steve My daughter will be 16 in two days. She recently got a tattoo on her lower back after I told her she wasn’t allowed to get one. I think it is ugly and it is too big. She wanted me to like it, but I don’t. I told her I was mad and disappointed that she did this without my permission. I kept harping at her about how big it is. Finally she got mad and told me I ruin everything, and that I always make her feel badly about herself. She screamed for me to get out of her room, and later I heard her crying. What do I do? I have a right to be angry about her doing something I told her not to do. I am devastated at what she has done to her body, something she will have to live with forever. I am also feeling bad because I do seem to always crush her happiness and put her down in a few areas of her life, usually for what I perceive as her own good. I am trying to help her avoid dangers that I know about from my years of life experience, but she sees it as put downs. I feel like a failure as a parent, I don’t want to damage my daughter’s self-esteem, but I am so upset over this big, ugly tattoo. I just don’t know how to deal with this, any advice would help. Thanks. Concerned Mom Answer: Dear Concerned Mom, In this scenario, the thing that most concerns me is your daughter’s defiance of your instruction that she not get a tattoo. The size or nature of the tattoo is irrelevant. She is the one who has to live with it. She may one day regret it or she may enjoy it for the rest of her life. Deal with the defiance without judgment of her style or taste in tattoos. Explain to her that your rules are intended to protect her until she is at an age where she is legally responsible to protect herself and apologize to her for hurting her feelings. In the future, avoid making judgments of your daughter that will have a negative impact on her self-esteem. You are right to enforce your rules and establish consequences when those rules are broken. You can express your disappointment in her defiant behavior without verbally attacking her appearance or her character. Hang in there. Being a parent of an adolescent is a tough job. Your daughter is fortunate to have a mom who genuinely cares for her wellbeing. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I have been having these uncontrollable crying fits for past few months. It started before I was married. My husband and I have been married for 3 months, and they have gotten worse. Our main issue is that my sex drive is almost non-existent. I am not sure what is wrong, and I don't have an answer to tell him. Is it anxiety or something? I am thinking of seeing my regular doctor...is this a good idea?? Thank you for listening, Karla Answer: Dear Karla, I am not sure why you are having the crying spells and why your sex drive has diminished. Both of these characteristics are symptoms of depression which could have been brought on by the stress of the marriage and the subsequent life changes. I think it is a good idea to discuss this with your doctor and I recommend that you seek counseling if the problems persist. I could speculate about other possible reasons, but further investigation is warranted. Take care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My boyfriend is constantly in debt and can't seem to manage his money. I end up being the supporter, while all his funds are for discretionary spending. I point out examples of his excessiveness, but nothing ever changes. How do I deal with this? Sincerely, Sherry Answer: Dear Sherry, As long as you are willing to support your boyfriend, it is unlikely he will change his spending habits. Some people live their whole life in debt and never manage their money wisely. For your boyfriend, it may not be a matter of simply learning how to manage his spending. Sometimes spending is an addiction like gambling or drinking. I recommend referring your boyfriend to the following website: www.debtorsanonymous.org . This is his problem and only he can overcome it. Couples who have different philosophies about managing money have slimmer chances at sustaining a lasting relationship. I encourage you to protect your financial wellbeing and hold steadfast to your own beliefs about managing your money. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I think I am in love with my professor and I don't know how to get rid of my feelings for him. I don’t know if I'm really in love or not. Every time he passes by or smiles at me I feel something inside me. I can't describe it. He's constantly in my thoughts. He's really sweet and very kind to me. There's also this physical attraction for him. Please help me. I don't know what to do. Sincerely, Frustrated Student Answer: Dear Student, I doubt that what you are feeling is love. It sounds more like infatuation or simply physical attraction. My suggestion is that you do nothing, except study hard and pass the course. It is not unusual to be attracted to a teacher, or for a teacher to be attracted to a student. However, it is generally unwise to act on the attraction. Dual relationships can be messy and can present ethical dilemmas that most professionals want to avoid. You can enjoy the personal fantasy, while still keeping the relationship boundaries intact. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My name is Melissa and I am 18 years old. The other day my friend showed me where she had intentionally cut herself. She really is upset with herself and thinking about ending her life. Therefore, I told her stepfather because they are very close. Now she won't talk to me. I feel as if I did the wrong thing. I am not sure what to do! She's my best friend and now she is gone from my life. I am not sure how to get my best friend back or if there is a way. What can I do? Sincerely, Melissa Answer: Dear Melissa, You did the right thing by telling your friend’s stepfather that she was talking about harming herself. I hope that this will begin the process of her getting the help she needs. Any threat like this should be taken seriously and you proved to her that you really are a friend by taking action when she reached out to you. Continue to let her know that you care about her, and are available to her when she feels ready to talk again. Perhaps she will one day thank you for your concern. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man that I love very much, but I have an ex-boyfriend who is engaged to someone else and who I can't get out of my mind. As I make wedding plans, I picture my ex with me. He is the one I wish my fiancé was more like. When I think of my fiancé, I think of his good qualities, but they don't measure up to my ex's. What should I do? Do I need to break my engagement? Should I contact my ex? Sincerely, Confused Answer: Dear Confused, If your ex is Mr. Right, why is he your ex and not your fiancé? Yes, perhaps you are about to make a mistake and marry the wrong man, or maybe it is just pre-wedding jitters. I suggest you discuss this with a trusted friend or family member who knows all three of you and who can offer you some objective feedback. Do not marry either of them until you are confident it is what you want to do. Let me know how it works out. Sincerely, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I am a 24 year old female with a big burden on my shoulders. I had a long-distance relationship with a man for about six months. We then decided to give living together a shot. He left his job, friends, etc. to move in with me several hundreds of miles away from his home. After a few weeks of him being here, I realized it was a mistake. I found out he had a criminal record with outstanding warrants and therefore cannot get a job. I am a professional who makes enough money to stand on my own. However, he cannot get a job because of these non-violent warrants. How do I tactfully handle this situation? He left his life to be with me, and now I am very unhappy. I do not want to be involved with or have my name attached to any kind of criminal activity. I believe I deserve more than that. However, I feel like I am betraying a good friend if I tell him to leave. Please give me some feedback on this situation. God bless, Amanda Answer: Dear Amanda, I understand why you feel like you are betraying him if you end the relationship. However, he chose to leave it all behind to move in with you. It also sounds like he was not completely honest with you about his past until after he moved in. For these things, he has to take responsibility. You have a right to change your mind, especially now that you have new information about him you did not have previously. You said his criminal activity was not violent. Still, I encourage you to have a safety plan in place when you tell him to leave. Let friends and family know what you are about to do, and be sure they can be available to you if need be. Also, be sure to change the locks once he is gone. Nothing bad may happen, but better safe than sorry. Steve

Question: Dear Steve I have been married 15 years. For the last 3 years my husband has been on 3 different anti-depressants. We have had a wide range of sexual problems. He rarely has a desire for closeness. He says he loves me and still desires me, but does not show it. I have yelled at him for not caring about my needs, called his doctor, asked him to get a new doctor. He just says it won't always be this way. I have become angry, resentful, and I have low self-esteem. I am feeling justified in having an affair because my husband is neglecting me. I feel as if I have become just his good friend who also is his maid and the nanny. I have become the poster-mother for the sexually frustrated, bored, and lonely housewife. Cate Answer: Dear Cate, I empathize with you and with your husband. Depression does negatively affect sex drive, and unfortunately so do most of the antidepressants prescribed to treat it. Your husband needs to talk to his physician about this. It may also be a good idea for the two of you to see a marriage counselor. He must become proactive in making a change because time alone will not cure it. Avoid yelling and taking your anger out on him. This is only making matters worse. Your support and encouragement will go further toward helping him reclaim his sexual desire. Good luck to both of you. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, A little over a year ago, I had a visitor at work. It was a man I knew when we were both 12. He was my first kiss. We chatted, I told him of my pending divorce, and since that day, we have not stopped talking. It was as if we were meant to be together. He was married, but having problems. He is going through a divorce now and his soon to be ex is driving him crazy... He wants me to wait until his divorce is final but he wants me to see no one and not even go out. I wanted to take a trip with friends and he got mad. What should I do? Jennifer Answer: Dear Jennifer, Now is a vulnerable time for both of you. It is not a good idea to get emotionally involved with anyone during or soon after a divorce. I suggest you make no commitment to him at this time. The fact that you were childhood sweethearts who have reunited is very romantic. However, don’t interpret this as a divine message that he is your next Mr. Right. Give yourself the time you need to heal from your divorce, and take the trip with your friends. If he can’t handle it, better you know this now before things become more intimate. Steve

Question: Dear Steve My husband travels a lot and I am a stay at home mom. We have 3 children; ages 1, 4, and 8. All the travel leaves me with most of the child rearing and everything else on my own. I love my children dearly, but never have anytime away from them to do things for myself. We don't do anything together as a couple. My family is a minimum of 3 hours away, so they can't help. I am tired of being a single parent and in a marriage by myself. I feel we need counseling, but he says it is a waste of money. Which brings up another sore point, we are barely making ends meet. His car is on its last legs creating more stress in our already stressed-out life. Also, I recently found my husband viewing pornography on line while I lay in bed alone. How do I keep it together? Sincerely, Solo Answer: Dear Solo, As I read your letter, I wonder if you and your husband planned for any of the current circumstances in your life or if all of this just seemed to happen. Though you can’t change the decisions that got you to this point, there are some good lessons here for young readers about the importance of planning your family and your finances. The good news for you is that all the stressors you identified can potentially be resolved, if hubby will cooperate. If he believes counseling is a waste of money, he obviously does not share the same concerns about the marriage that you do, and does not understand the degree of your stress. I consider counseling to be an investment in your future together, and an opportunity to improve the quality of life for your whole family. In most cases, it is less expensive than the costs of a divorce and the child support he will be paying for years to come. Framing it in this way may help enlighten him. Until he comes around or you give up on him, develop some supports outside your marriage. Churches and community centers are examples of resources for help with child care, counseling, or advice on financial management. Additionally, neighbors may be willing to swap childcare for a mom’s night out. Regardless of your husband’s investment in a solution, for the sake of yourself and your children, don’t give up. They need at least one parent who is committed to their care and well-being. Sincerely, Steve P.S. Notice I said nothing about your husband’s interest in internet porn. First things first. Right now, you have bigger issues to address.

Question: Dear Steve, I have been dating a wonderful man for seven months. He recently informed me that his high school sweetheart would be flying in to visit him. He said that they have maintained their friendship since graduation 20 years ago. They both took time off work and she brought her daughter. They stayed at his house for the weekend. He wanted me to spend time with them, but I didn’t feel comfortable with it. Before this situation, he had never spoken of her. I feel like he disrespected me by doing this. Since he is dating me, I felt like there should have been some boundaries set before they arrived. They could have stayed at a hotel or even at my house. Am I overreacting? Sincerely, Texas Answer: Dear Texas, We could have many debates about appropriate boundaries and the right and wrong ways of handling a situation like this. I believe it is more important to deal with the fear you are feeling about this woman’s presence in your boyfriend’s life. You will get further by talking to him about the fear than you will by pointing out the other ways he could have handled the situation. This is a common mistake in relationships. Couples talk about the logistics of the situation without talking about the feelings the situation has evoked. Avoid blaming or judging anyone, including you. I suggest you think about what you are afraid of and why this fear is manifesting in your relationship. While this may be the first time you have been in this situation, I suspect there have been other relationships in which you felt your boundaries were threatened. Use this situation as an opportunity to explore your fear and communicate it in a way that will not distance the ones you love. Good luck. Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I was diagnosed with bulimia and borderline personality disorder when I was 12. I was a very active cutter for 9 years of that time also. I have been free of suicidal ideations and bulimia for almost a year, but recently I have been having the urges to fall back into that routine. Any advice on how to stay in recovery and keep those feelings pushed back? Worried Answer: Dear Worried, Thoughts of purging or cutting may continue throughout your lifetime. These dysfunctional coping mechanisms obviously began very early in your life, and may be engrained in your personality. However, the fact that these thoughts routinely manifest does not require that you act on them. Recognize them for what they are; warning signs that you are feeling stressed. Purging and cutting did not originate as the problem; they began as a solution, an attempt to relieve emotional discomfort. Avoid isolating. I encourage you to reach out to a helping professional in your community or participate in a support group. If there are healthier coping strategies you have learned in previous therapy, rely on those strategies to get you through. I recommend that individuals in recovery maintain a crisis plan they can immediately implement at times of stress. You have come a long way if you have had a year without symptoms. Keep the strength, and do what it takes to keep yourself safe and healthy. Take care, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, For the past 4 years, I have had several devastating events in my life. I feel like I'm about to hit bottom and I am afraid of what may happen. I do not have health insurance and I’m not in good shape financially. I need advice on where to get help with addictions and depression. I feel I am in need of a rehab facility that will admit me for a period of time. I just don't know where to start. Any suggestions? Sue Answer: Dear Sue, There are options for folks without insurance or financial resources. Depending on your circumstances and the state in which you live, there may be financial resources for which you are eligible. Start by contacting the mental health clinic in your community. Grants or corporate sponsors often fund these facilities, and they charge clients based on their ability to pay. They can assess your needs and make recommendations for treatment. If a long-term rehab program is appropriate, they should be able to refer you for this service. Good luck, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, My 6-year-old daughter is on medication for ADHD. The medication only last for 12 hours. At night, she is bouncing off the walls. She has homework she needs to do, and I have a hard time getting her to do it, without throwing a fit. Lately, she has been very mouthy and everything has to be her way. She will go to school mad because she can’t play on the computer. I hate seeing her go to school mad. She is throwing fits like a 3 year old and I cant stand it anymore. Do you have some ideas regarding what I can do to stop the fits and the back talking? Please help. Sincerely, Krista Answer: Dear Krista, Talk to your daughter’s physician about adjusting her medication. An adjustment to the dosage or the time of day she takes it might be an easy solution. Be as regimented and consistent as possible and identify rewards that work for her. Time out can be an effective means of stopping an inappropriate behavior and getting her to refocus. The ADHD is as unpleasant for her as it is for you. Be supportive, but firm with your expectations and consequences. Be consistent with praise and rewards. I suggest you take advantage of any available opportunity to learn more about ADHD and to interact with other parents of children with this disorder. My best wishes to you and your daughter, Steve

Question: Dear Steve, I met a girl online when I was 14. Eventually it turned into deep, true love. I am 19 now, she is 18. We have been communicating for five years now by phone, email, or an instant messenger service. Recently, I noticed things that seemed like she was cheating on me. I confronted her, and she said she didn't have to answer my questions because I should know if she was faithful or not. I wanted to sit down calmly, talk about all of my fears, and have her to comfort me. I know accusing her hurt her badly, but I couldn't get over it without her telling me straight out that she wasn't seeing anyone else. Then I read some of her emails, and it turns out, she was cheating on me. I told her it was over. I was very upset, but she seemed glad to have the relationship end. All of my friends and my mom said to forget about it all and move on. I want to, and have tried. The problem is I cannot stop thinking about her. I loved her. She was such a good person, I can't believe she would cheat on me, or throw away 5 years of our lives. I want so badly to forgive her if she would just admit she cheated on me. My feelings for her are so strong; I care for her so much, and just want to be with her again. I don't know what to do, it seems like I can't get over her. Please help me. Sam Answer: Dear Sam, It is obvious from your letter that you love her very much. At your young age, this may the most intense love you have ever experienced. Your mom and friends are right that you need to move on with your life, even though it will not be easy . Your sadness now is a normal part of grief that we all go through when we lose someone we care about. I suspect you will never forget her, but you will get over the grief, and there will be other women in your life